If you give the shower, you lose the power

Remember the story about that guy who won an iPod Nano by getting pissed on as the culmination of increasingly stupid and disgusting tournament?

I forgot about it too, until the pisser, who we'll call "D*n**l L*br*n*", sent me an email:

Hello, My name is D*n**l L*br*n*. I am the guy from the City Paper article. I wanted to write and ask you if you could remove my name from your blog posting. A few people at my office read your blog and I am absolutely terrified that they will tell my boss and I"ll lose my job. I just graduated from college, getting quoted in this article was a stupid mistake on my part and I would be eternally grateful if you could remove my name. If you could write me back and let me know.

Thanks,
D*n

You know, you may not also last very long in your current job if you keep using quotation marks for apostrophes. They'll fire you"re butt. Not to mention other parts of you that excrete. But frankly, I'm not even on the first page of Google results for your name. Go complain to CityPaper. You should know who to contact, seeing as how you spoke to their reporter about how you pissed on someone as part of a contest.

So now we have a "thing," or as we used to call it when I interned for a television news outfit back in the go-go '90s, a "scandal." I'm calling it UriNanogate, following the standard convention of "main-elements-plus-'gate'".

Anyway, D*n's email came yesterday afternoon, at which point I forwarded it to a trusted inner circle of confidants, a few of whom told me to bleep out his name (which, I should mention, appears only in the comments).

N.M. went ahead and blogged it, so I guess the cat is out of the bag:

In writing to RJ, Mr. D____ "Pee On You" L______ calls what he did "a stupid mistake." Wow, what an understatement. Look, I'm not going to bother judging him for what he did at the party. To some extent, we've all done things we wouldn't want to see in print. But most of us will never see those things immortalized in print, because most of us haven't talked to a reporter about it. Talking to a reporter about giving someone a golden shower at a party is not "stupid." I have a pretty good vocabulary, but I can't think of a word that accurately conveys the level of stupidity one must have reached to do what this guy did. I have about as much pity for Mr. D____ "Pee On You" L______ as I do for the girls who claim that the producers of Girls Gone Wild took advantage of them. And I have no pity for those girls.

RIght on. In response to my initial "I have a quandary" email, another trusted ethics-info source says:

Did you know that "quandary" likely comes from the French "q'en dirai-je?" for "what am I going to say about it?" Yes, you must say something about this, especially since discretion (for N*t*ly* and D*n**l L*br*n*) could be easily afforded. Besides, pissing on someone after a dare orgy is pretty hot, even if one happens to be a "gawking nerd with a scraggy beard and a pair of circa-1997 emo glasses."

I dunno about hot, except in the most cringe-worthy technical sense.

To summarize, here are the take away points from the whole Urinanogate mess:

• Don't excrete on people
• Not even if it's for a Nano.
• If you do excrete on someone, don't do it in front of third parties;
• If you do it in front of third parties, don't volunteer your name to the press;
• If you volunteer your name to the press, don't be surprised when it shows up on a blog;
• If it does show up on a blog, don't wait until everyone has forgotten about it to start complaining, thus re-inflaming your public perception problem.
• I hope never to blog about bodily fluids ever, ever again.