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July 11, 2007
Online Dating: The odds are good, but the goods are odd
I have been told that there's an obvious choice for the lovelorn young professional: Internet dating. On many occasions, people (none of whom ever used it) assured me that fine, upstanding people use online dating services all the time, and that it wasn't creepy, shameful or even out of the ordinary.
There is a word for those people: wrong.
As a member of the Tribe, I tried JDate under the impression that being taller and having more hair (on my head) than my male co-religionists would be some sort of advantage. In terms of getting women to talk to me, it was. In the space of a month (and before they demanded another $35), I went on quite a few dates. Most were painfully boring. Two were good enough interest me in second dates, but they "just wanted to be friends." That's the world's worst cop-out as it is, but it's especially egregious when you met on a website with the word "date" embedded in the URL. One of them went as far to actually try to be "friends," inviting me to a house party with the new boyfriend. Is there anything more awkward? Well, I could have been naked.
Anyway, this post is about what I don't like in online daters. Perhaps women who come off as nice, smart individuals in real life would write this stuff online, but they did, and I'll judge them for it, if only to entertain you. Last night, I took a random surf through JDate. This is what I found:
"Always up for going out and having fun, but I also love to be lazy every now and then."
"I am always up for a great night out, but also loves to be lazy once in a while."
"I enjoy going to the gym, going out with friends to a bar/restaurant/or just relaxing with some popcorn and a good movie."
Every third online dating profile has a variation of this. You like to paint the town red, but you are also comfortable wearing your pajamas and watching a DVD. You like to hike and camp, but you are also somehow capable of chilling out at home. People who like to party but are incapable of doing anything else with their evenings are called alcoholics. Outdoorsy types who never come in from the trail are also known as hoboes. Women who include lines like this are not demonstrating well-roundedness or flexibility, just an unappealing eagerness to please and cover all the bases.
"I don't like selfish and self-deceived people."
If you're self-deceived, how will you know to avoid her? I never understood why anyone would write "I don't want [obviously bad trait] people." Who does? If online dating is a meat market, how does this help sell your particular cut? Haven't you ever heard of a valence issue? Coming out against self-delusion (or selfishness, for that matter), is like running a campaign with the slogan, "Puppies are Cute!" You may get votes, but your base won't be able to hold up their end of the debate, if you catch my drift.
"I'm a nice girl, generous, and have a lot of love within myself."
Once again, but with narcissism! Running against the "Puppies are Cute!" ticket, we have the "Kittens are Also Cute!" candidate, who describes herself with completely non-distinguishing positive characteristics. The above claim would only make sense if there was someone else on JDate who wrote, "I'm a mean girl, stingy and am filled with hate." I'm fairly sure goths have their own dating service.
"Current favorite thing to quote is The Office. "
Tony Soprano was right when he said that "remember when" is the lowest form of conversation, with one caveat: "remember when Dwight said..." is slightly lower. Of course, I'm guilty of quoting TV shows and I love The Office, but I don't hold it out to potential mates as a character trait.
"Greetings. My name is Sveta. I love dialogue with friends, parties, walks under the moon, romantic meetings, travel."
"I am a mail-order bride. 'Dialogue' is extra."
"I enjoy anything Creative and Challenging. I love The Arts, Dance, Movies,Outdoor Sports, a great Salsa song, spending time with Friends, and a ton of other things to find out later."
I Want a Man who will Fix my Shift Key.
"iM extreaMeLy sociaL aNd LoVe to Be soRROunded wiTh poSSitiVe peopLe. i LiVe mY LiFe to ThE fuLLesT aNd aLthoGH iM YouNg i FeEL LiKe i reaLLy haVe accomPlisheD mORe tHEn MAnY CaN aCcoMpLisH iN a LiFe TiMe. i BoLieVe thaT there aRe nO LimiTs iN LiFe and iTs uRs to ConQuer MoLd BeNd aNd LIVE!!!!"
I NEED a man who will fix my shift key.
"i've only had one jewish boyfriend and my mom's been on my case about this for a few years now...."
"I haven't met you yet, but I will try to make our date as perfunctory and boring as possible so I can get back to the goyishe frat boys I'm used to."
"I'm prob the biggest DMB fan you could ever meet."
Check, please!
The Point: This is simply not an option. I would prefer to get to know how vacuous and grammatically-challenged you are instead of finding out before we ever see each other in person.
Posted by rj3 at July 11, 2007 7:56 AM
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Comments
oh dear god, it's a jungle out there.
I would venture to say that one of the favorite things about my present romantic entanglement is that we can trade entire email conversations on Office, Anchorman or Zoolander quotes... but I dare say that's probably not a hook, line and/or sinker on a personal profile app.
And the biggest DMB fan you could ever meet? GOSH. Like you could even KNOW that.
Posted by: ^kat^ at July 10, 2007 11:24 PM
Hopefully, you have other qualities and interests that would come ahead of your love of quotes...
Posted by: rj3 at July 11, 2007 11:17 AM
From personal experience and all the stories you've heard from me, you must have already realized that people who date online are freaks and that goes for the men too.
Also, is it wrong to judge someone based on his ability to punctuate, spell, and know the difference between "your" and "you're"?
Posted by: PL at July 11, 2007 10:30 PM
Not at all, PL. The first line of dismissal - even before a bad photo - in my online dating/friend-making world, is up-to-grade-level (that's GRADUATE school, people!) grammar and orthography.
Posted by: Michael at July 12, 2007 8:11 AM
The every-other-letter-in-caps thing is just amazing to me - doesn't that take an awful lot of time just to generate something that's very hard to read? What's the point?
Posted by: rj3 at July 12, 2007 9:09 AM
I tend to think that random capitalization reminds me of a ransom note. Which makes me wonder if perhaps I should tell others where we are going on our date so that they can give the police a nice jump start.
On the other hand, the only person I have known who used an online dating service is now married to someone he met through it. Go figure, it still seems creepy to me.
Posted by: BennyAbelard at July 15, 2007 6:38 PM
